Simulation Theory is Stupid, Here's is A Better One

We're throwing the dweebs into lockers for this one.

Simulation theory is fucking gay, and not in a good way where there is at least quality dick sucking going on (it's Pride after all, big corpos are too cowardly to acknowledge that, but I'm not).

Chances are if you are misfortune enough to be in spheres frequented by techbros, Redditers, or any place midwits like to congregate¹ you've heard of "Simulation Theory", which is quite possibly one of the dumbest, most fucking stupid thing I ever heard in my life. And I listen to Tin Foil Hat, a podcast hosted by professed Flat Earther and comedian Sam Tripoli.

If you have been lucky enough to be spared this fate up till now, let me outline the theory:

If it was possible for a super computer to simulate reality, this computer could spawn many instances of different realities in near infinite quantity. This means you are more likely to live in a simulation than not live in a situation.

Ooooh are you scared my fellow Matrix dweller? Probability means you are more likely living in a simulation than not in one, haha! No. At best this little theory demonstrates how notions of probability can be twisted into total absurdity. This theory reminds me of philosopher Bertrand Russel's story about "Turtles All the Way Down."

Russel was giving a lecture when an old woman shouted out of no where "THE EARTH SITS ON TOP OF A GIGANTIC TURTLE!" Russel, amused by this asked "And what's beneath that turtle." The woman takes a moment to think and replies "Another turtle of course!" to which Russel than repeats "And what's beneath that turtle?" The woman replies back "It's turtles all the way down!"

Ha, what a rube! Who let her into the building? But ohhhh Simulation theory, it talks in terms of smart person things like COMPUTES and PROBABILITY, when in effect it's the same thing. You just substituted turtles for server racks. And while we have super computers, let's not forget Morse's Law S-curved over a decade ago, with most chip development focusing on smaller, more efficient CPUs and specialized chips. There has even been a push to incorporate analog computing chips into digital systems since it's better equip to handle common computation tasks associated with AI and the like.

Super computers exist, but so do turtles. This mythical all powerful computer may as well be a gigantic tortoise. "Whoa dude, what if the tortoise is actually a cyborg with advanced AI and our reality is just a gigantic AI hallucination?" *que bong rip*.

It's what these types do: they read too much sci-fi (or pretend to) and assume that it's just inevitable because heckin' science. Most Science Fiction is just as fantastical as the Fantasy novels they are put next to in book stores. Much of Science Fiction's accurate prediction of the future has more to do with hyperstition² than any Delphi-like prophesy abilities by men who manage to be creepier than their reader base.

So yes, completely deboonked, owned epic style, it's only weegies all the way down from here on out nerd. "But I somehow have a better theory?", you may be asking yourself. I want you to just clear your mind of computers and talk of gigantic turtles for a moment and imagine you're on a beach...

It's a nice warm, yet not too hot day. The sand is giving your feet that nice warm sensation that sands likes to do, the sun is out and the sky is a crisp blue just like the waves crashing on the beach. You gaze out at the wide beach that seems to reach out into infinity, and spy the most beautiful human specimen you ever laid eyes on, one that excites the loins and heart. Could be a man, could be a woman, could be a lady with a bit of a bulge under her G-string bikini (it's Pride, bigot). Whatever your preference, this being may as well been birthed from Venus herself, and is now locking eyes with you, shinning illustrious eyes, just staring into yours, with a wide welcoming smile they are now walking towards you like a beauty from Baywatch and...

PSYCHE! Welcome back to the mundane Matrix inside an AWS server sitting on top of a gigantic turtle. And furthermore, unless you're using some sort of text-to-speech program or are a skilled speed reader, you are hearing a voice in your head, transcribing the words you are reading now, simulating sounds that aren't there.

Ahhh get out my head Charles! Stop exposing me as a trans chaser, if only to myself! You see where this is going. How many times has something made you absolutely nervous, neurotic, something you were dreading to face only to find out the thing you were dreading wasn't there, or the expected outcome was completely different than anticipated. You felt all those emotions for something that didn't exist, you simulated it in a word.

Furthermore, it has been demonstrated time and time again the mind's ability to filter out information and sensory perception to the point of completely ignoring things that are in the room. I'm reminded of videos in which people are instructed to watch people bounce a basket ball, counting each bounce, only to have a man in gorilla costume casually walk by, and when asked about the man in the gorilla suit the participants have no recollection of this real life Zapruder film. Interestingly children do typically notice.

You live in a simulation, but a locally hosted one in a bio computer that may or may not transpond to some sort of higher satellite power, I mean tower. This computer can be easily hacked. Hypnosis, which is a well studied and confirmed phenomena, proves this. Mass hysteria proves this, with each bio-computer linked in a sort of cultural network, using language and media as it's networking protocol that sends messages out of Satanist, Nazis, Communist, Witches or whatever is lurking about, infiltrating your local PTA.

So I ask you reader, how is your simulation going lately?

1. You are on Substack at this very moment

2. hyperstition: A cultural belief (especially a work of fiction) that makes itself real; a cultural self-fulfilling prophecy where some cultural idea or hype truly brings about the thing it describes.